On-Star On-Board

A

amphipoda

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On-Star On-Board

Amphi suggested I install an On-Star system like all the new fancy
cars have. So I did. The following is an actual transcription from
the On-Star call representative (well, actually it's sort of made up);

On-Star: Hello, this Cleo your On-Star representative. I have an
indication that your On-Star warning system has been activated. I've
just unlocked your doors for you. Do you require further assistance?

A~poda: Ahoy On-Star, Amphipoda here and yes I think I need some
assistance. My engine stalled? Whoa, did you say you unlocked my
friggin' doors?! Oh no, now I'm taking on water too!

On-Star: I have you located off the road. Err, uh, wait a minute? I
have you located in a lake! Did you say you are "taking on water?"

A~poda: That's right On-Star. I'm in the lake and have a stalled
engine AND NOW I'M TAKING ON HEAPS OF WATER.

On-Star: I'm sorry sir, but we do not provide On-Star service for
boats. That is clearly stated in the ultra fine print of our
contract. To whom shall I refer you to for assistance?

A~poda: Technically, I'm not in a boat. So please contact the
Automobile Club and the Park Ranger's office. Please hurry. The
water in my car is already up to my ankles.

On-Star: Did you say "car?" So you're not in a BOAT but you're in
the water?! Now I'm confused?

A~poda: Yeah, I'm in my AMPHICAR in the lake, too far for a land
line tow. I need a boat tow and THEN a land tow.

On-Star: I'm sorry sir, but you are only allowed one emergency
contact per situation. That is clearly stated in the ultra fine
print of our service contract. To whom shall I refer you to for
assistance?

A~poda: Bloody hell, the water is almost up to me knees! Get a
friggin' Coast Guard helicopter out here right away!!!

On-Star: I'm sorry sir, but we are not authorized to directly
contact any helicopters for assistance. That is also clearly stated
in the ultra fine print of our service contract. I can, however,
contact the local sheriff's department who can then patch a call
through for further assistance.

A~poda: Yeah, okay. That'll do fine, but please hurry!!! The water
level is? gurgle? gurgle?

On-Star: By the way? is Amphipoda your real name?

A~poda: Gurgle? $(@%$& ? gurgle? *$&^%? On-Star? &*%(#$?

On-Star: Thank you for calling On-Star ? the service that goes with
you wherever you go and we can unlock your doors instantly.

Amphipoda
'64 Turquoise
San Diego, CA
 

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