Humor - Off topic, but very funny


Randy Tusone

Hi all,

This is the funniest joke that I've found in my e-mail for quite some time. I
hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.
Love and Peace,


To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the
same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they
give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never
been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason

11. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be
more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat.

12. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to
take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.

13. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect
the change immediately.

14. Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrews Bedchamber.

15. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it
the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!

Get your own FREE, personal Netscape WebMail account today at