Amphi Medical Tips:

  • Thread starter Amphipoda@yahoo.com
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Amphipoda@yahoo.com

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In an Amphi medical emergency, knowing what
to do can make all the difference. Here are some
tips to help you handle an unexpected Amphi injury
or illness:

~ Maintain a fully inflated life preserver on board
at all times. Note: A life size inflatable doll makes
a good commuter lane companion as well as vibrant
aquatic life preserver.

~ Keep a first-aid kit in your Amphi's glove box.
It should contain alcohol (both rubbing & drinking),
cotton balls, Jar-Jar Band-Aids, Suntan Lotion (SPF
15+), and a map of Ohio.

~ Always keep plenty of gauze on board in case you
invent an invisibility potion. Gauze should also be
used to cover Amphi's eyes, as Amphi can't stand
the sight of blood.

~ Make sure your first-aid kit contains a large,
frilly Victorian fan to revive fainting victims.

~ If a person requires artificial respiration, and
you are of the same sex as the person, and no one
of the opposite sex is around to perform the life
saving procedure, you have the option to cross-
dress for the occasion.

~ Administering CPR is easy. Just do it like you saw
them do on TV that one time. As a rule of thumb,
always ask yourself this question: "What would
Randolph Mantooth do?"

~ To stop a nosebleed, apply pressure. To start a
nosebleed, apply even greater pressure in short,
repeated bursts.

~ Have a carrier pigeon handy for contacting the
paramedics. Cell phones should not be used as
they cost too much to operate.

~ If possible, try to be the guy who tells the victim,
"Everything's going to be all right," while others do
the actual work.

~ If you did all you could and the victim still dies,
pat him or her down for a Snickers bar. It's not like
you don't deserve one. Also check for spare Amphi
parts since the dearly departed won't be needing
them anymore.

Brought to you as an Amphibious Public Service
Announcement by yours truly...

Amphipoda
`64 Turquoise
San Diego
 

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